i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
