He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
