If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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