now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
