toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
