So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
