not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
