I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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