Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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