batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Im part way to drunk.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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