oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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