She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
