dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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