my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
