I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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