Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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