I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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