WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex