If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I checked into jail on foursquare
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
