Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
