i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
