I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Randomize
