someone owes me an orgasm
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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