He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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