so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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