So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
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He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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