you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
