he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
