she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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