my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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