Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
