I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
