Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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