We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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