Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
