it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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