3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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