my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
