I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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