Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
