You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
