went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
