he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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