best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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