I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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