Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
