I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
