Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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