I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
