I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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