I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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