my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Boobs are out for the taking
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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