Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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