yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
