At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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