genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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