Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
