I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My liver is preforming stress tests.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.