I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
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he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
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Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face