Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just gift wrapped bread.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.