I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.