OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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