I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
