i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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