Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Your dad touched me again.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
