Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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