don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
