DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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