What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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