he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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