I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
